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dennis2

Arthur: Old woman!

 

Dennis: Man!

 

Arthur: Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

 

Dennis: I’m thirty-seven.

 

Arthur: I—what?

 

Dennis: I’m thirty-seven. I’m not old.

 

Arthur: Well, I can’t just call you “man.”

 

Dennis: Well, you could say “Dennis.”

 

Arthur: Well, I didn’t know you were called “Dennis”.

 

Dennis: Well, you didn’t bother to find out, did you?

 I don’t know what it is about Sindorei females that make us targets for lonely folks. Is it the long, slender legs? The glittering, wispy hair? The invitingly pursed lips? Or do the ears have something to do with it? Maybe there are just a bunch of dudes sitting around with elf fetishes. I really don’t know. But in two hours of running around Eversong Woods, I had three male blood elves come on to me in ways that I wish they hadn’t.

 The first was a warlock. He was nice enough. Elsinne (my rogue) was running around carving up wild cats when out of the blue this guy starts asking questions. I’m new here … are you? Where are you from? Even though I sort of knew where this conversation would end up, I decided to be polite.

 Then, the inevitable. Can I put you on my friend list? You seem nice to talk to. Your mother sure raised a nice girl.

 Some time later, a paladin just started following me around. I was still laying waste to cats, but for a diferent quest this time. He didn’t speak, he just followed. Paladins are creepy that way, so I tried to ignore him. After about five minutes of watching Elsinne bend over to loot cats, he says: Will you be my girlfriend?

 The final lonely elf was another warlock. By this time, I had moved up in the world of blood elf assassins and I was beheading murlocs down on the beach, partly for a quest I was working on and partly for my amusement. The warlock kept trying to duel me, which I refused. After I refused three or four times, he asked me if I would be his b****. He went immediately to the ignore list, without passing Go and without collecting 200 gold coins.

 In my mind, though, I always imagine these sexually frustrated blood elves as twelve-year-old boys who are using the computer while Mommy is making brownies in the kitchen or smoking on the patio or something. Is it possible that some of these folks are forty-two year old software developers or taxi cab drivers? Further, has this ever gotten them anything in the past? Do one out of one hundred blood elf females respond favorably to them and they go off into the inn to have cyber sex?

 Note: the opening italicized text was taken from the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail. If you haven’t seen it, do it now!

 

The recent departure of Big Red Kitty caused me to do some serious reflection about World of Warcraft. I had not yet reached the point that I was ignoring or neglecting family members while making podcasts and videos or raiding (Raiding? What’s that?). But I had reached the point where I would be flying around Storm Peaks on my green proto drake (Thanks, Oracles!) hunting for the time-lost proto drake.

Why?

Wasn’t the time-lost proto drake exactly the same as the green proto drake except that it wasn’t green but more time-lost colored? Was it really necessary that I run through the Scholomance quest chain in order to get the skeleton key so that I could read that one last book and get the Well Read achievement? Why did I go all the way back out to Netherstorm to buy pets for some goofy pet collecting achievement? Lord have mercy, Jesus, how many days in a row did I brave shark infested waters to feed fish to the lazy and horribly ugly sea lion so that it could find it’s equally hideous mate? I don’t even want to talk about how long I sat there trying to fish up Old Ironjaw (I finally did!). I took the death knight out to Westfall to hunt down Edwin Van Cleef. For ten lousy achievement points.

My reflection brought me to this conclusion: None of these things were at all fun for me. None of these things changed the game one bit. I enjoy [most of] World of Warcraft, but it was high time I cut out things that were largely unnecessary and unenjoyable wastes of time.

It was then that I decided to start over. From scratch.

I created a brand new blood elf rogue on Earthen Ring. I’ve never seriously tried horde before. I played an orc hunter once to about level 24 or so on another server, but most of that time was spent in the barren wasteland known as, well, the Barrens, and I don’t think even that was enough experience to let me know what playing on the horde side is really like. I have no horde characters on this server and no way to be a sugar daddy to myself. I’m going to have to earn everything.

And I am earning it without the use of professions. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, my rogue is only going to be able to do first aid. No skinning, no mining, no herbalism. No dressmaking, no meth labs, no way to make bendy straws. My rogue is going to exist entirely off of what she finds lying around and nifty quest rewards. I am going even further out on a limb by not leveling in a combat spec. I once got a gnome rogue to level 30 with a combat spec in what would be the most boring 30 levels of my WoW career. Nope, this time I am going assassination. I know, I know. It doesn’t have the sustained DPS that’s recommended for leveling. But playing a combat rogue to me just doesn’t seem very … rogueish. It’s more pirate-ish. And I don’t want to be a pirate (though they do get cool hats).

I’m not doing anything in this game that I don’t want to anymore. I don’t need to grind rep for vanity pets. I don’t need the extra special shoulders from the So-and-so faction, especially since all my characters end up in PvP anyway.

So if you’re on Earthen Ring and you see a lonely blood elf rogue slithering around happily hunting for quest targets, that’s me.

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